There are some nights...

where I just wanna spill all of my thoughts, feelings, emotions into words and writings...

So what I do, is, I get onto my blogspot and start writing.

I start writing, and then I can't get myself to write what I want myself to write; I just can't do it.

At least right now, all I can think about is how life is just one big roller coaster. It has its ups and downs... highs and lows. Right now seems to be one of those hangovers after a high... Let me explain...

You see 2 weeks ago, a bunch of my homies from Sac State graduated... and that was a fun ass weekend. Thursday, me Justin and Imin met up and hit the gym, and almost ended up going to barcode... which was Asian night... damn, I really wanted to go, but oh well. Saw a lot of old psyc buddies on Friday at grad... Me and Darren took pics with Jorge, Sonny, Sara, and Whitney and even got to briefly see Lindsay T. (one of my biggest crushes from last fall semester), After, me and Darren got some burgers at Five Guys and later went to Sara's grad dinner and BJ's to meet up with the psyc homies that night. I barely got ANY sleep that night.

Saturday was Matt's grad... I almost ended up not going that morning cause I felt so sick. Ricky ended up convincing me to go... I'm glad I did. After Matt's grad, we took some pics, and also had a grad lunch at Matt's place on La Riv. Ended up leaving around 8, and then met up with Justin. We ended up going to Faces that night with Amanda, her Fam, and Kim. What an interesting experience Faces was... lol Anyway, that whole weekend was a lot of fun... I saw many of my friends, many of whom I haven't seen in 6 months... and while it was all good and fun, Sunday morning came way too fast, and I realized that the Sac trip was suddenly over. As I left Sac, it really felt like Sacramento was still where my home was -- all my friends live there. I don't have ANY friends here in San Francisco. It really sucks... Still I had to go, and all I have left are my memories from my time in Sac... which are great memories. P.S. thanks Justin for letting me crash at your place the ENTIRE time... lol. I didn't plan on it being that way, but I guess that's just how things happened... haha. I still owe you a golf club. lol.

So as I got back to San Francisco early Sunday afternoon, my 2 week vacation was just getting started; I had a flight to Ontario at 9:45 that night. I took the bus, BART, and AirBART to Oakland airport and got there about 2.5 hours early for my flight... So I chilled.

Finally, I got into Ontario around 11pm, and to my surprise Yasmeen (not Dahlia) and Omar were there to pick me up in Rashad's G35... lol. Anyway, during my 6 days in Riverside, I enjoyed some sushi thanks to Dahlia on Monday with her nursing school friends and Omar, Yasmeen's HS graduation on Tuesday, visited my dad in Walnut and saw The Hangover Part 2 at midnight on Wednesday, gymed it up at 24 on Thursday, saw my Dad once again on Friday and brought him a few gifts. I also gymed it up at LA Fitness that night as well as some bowling and carne asada fries at Alberto's afterward.
Saturday, the family drove up to South Lake Tahoe for a 3-night stay. I drove the 2nd half of the trip... which was also my first time EVER driving in snow through the mountains. Those 11 miles through the mountains in the snow were probably the most scary 11 miles I have ever driven in my life... mainly because I was driving a rental van, in the snow, without chains, with the lives of 6 people at my fingertips. Finally, we pulled into Harvey's at SLT... by the time we got there, the snow was really coming down, and I couldn't even tell that there was a 19-story hotel 200 ft away. We ended up playing cards all night and getting a cinnabon...

The next day me and Omar hit the gym early (12pm lol) and we ate at the buffet at Harrah's.. Pretty tasty, and we ended up stealing a bunch of bread and carb-filled foods to bring to our hotel room. We also walked around and took a look at the sights of the local area. That night we spent about 35 bucks at the arcade and ended up using our tickets to buy Milan a blow-up dolphin... something we could have just spent 2 bucks on at the gift shop next door... lol

Monday, we went sightseeing by car, and I gambled a bit... Played some BJ and tripled my $$$... which I later spent all at GAP at the Folsom outlets on our way to SF. I forgot what else we did that night. Probably played some more mao mao... oh yeah... that was freakin' hilarious. lol.

Tuesday, we left the hotel, got some food a Denny's and then hit the road for SF. Stopped in Folsom to do some shopping, then stopped in AC to pick up Auntie Aida... then to San Fran... We checked into Hotel Whitcomb on 8th and Market... The hotel was old, elegant, & beautiful, but the rooms were so damn small... a big change from what we were used to at Harvey's. We had dinner at Fulton and then went back to the hotel.

Wednesday, we went around sightseeing by foot and bus. Got some blondies pizza, walked around union square, and then took the F Market to Fisherman's wharf. I bought my Mom a b-day present, and we ate at In N Out... Then we went to Ghiradelli and then took the bus back to Fulton and had a birthday dinner for my Mom... She turned 65... Senior citizen status.. haha.

Thursday, I hit the gym early and then picked up Dahlia, Yasmeen, and Omar, and we went sightseeing by car. We went to a bunch of landmarks, many of which would have taken forever to get to by public transportation. We then met up at Cypress Lawn to have a short prayer for Lola Pepay as it was her 1st death anniversary (I love and miss you Lola). After we went to a church in Visitation Valley (don't ask why that church was the one we picked... of all places) for the final Novena, and then proceeded to Kome buffet for dinner. Most of the family came, and I think dinner ended up being about 840 bucks for all of us. (Glad that I didn't have to pay... lol, I'm still not there yet.) After dinner, me and the kids didn't want to just go back to the hotel... we wanted to do something... anything. We went to Vienna to hang out with Kim and Dorothy. While we were there, we were kinda like, "we wanna go out and do something" so we decided to go to Ocean Beach and have a bonfire... We stopped at Safeway to buy the necessary ingredients for a successful bonfire... as we were on our way, my mom calls, and needs a pick up... this ruined the whole bonfire plan and we were all so bummed. We tried returning our stuff, but couldn't... and I felt bad that Dahlia spent all that money for no reason. I owe her. lol. Anyways, I dropped off the kids, and picked up my mom at the hotel, then went home.

And that's it. That was my 2 week vacation... Now 2 days later, I'm back home, and it's back to reality, which kinda sucks... I mean, that's what I originally meant by "hangover after a high"... I had a great 2 weeks with friends and family, and now that I'm back to reality, it's just like a brick wall hit me; life is super boring again. I already miss it all... But, as Lola always said, "that's life"... You have your ups and your downs, and you just have to learn to live with them. At least I know that there will be more times in the future to be with friends and family, and there are so many more experiences to be had...

Now life is back to hitting the gym even harder, looking for a place to live in SJ come August, looking forward to starting grad school, and whatever the future has in store for me...

Oh hey look, I was able to write something this time. It was probably a good idea that I was listening to my Top 25 Most Played Songs playlist on my iTunes... these are good reflection songs.

It always feels like life is a race...

and I always feel like I'm losing...

But for some reason, this week, I feel like I'm finally winning this race...

The people I feel that are beating me, are finally behind me... I feel like I've made the necessary adjustments and made the right decisions in my life to finally feel like these people just don't phase me anymore... They don't even come close to me. I'm really feeling like I can finally just go out and do me, and that's all I need to do. I don't need to compare myself to others, feeling insecure, because these people I was mentally competing with just don't even matter anymore... They're either too immature for me, less educated than I am, less experienced than I am, and/or overall not as intelligent as I am. Btw, intelligence is not something you can teach or learn... it's in your genes, and knowing how intelligent my father was (IQ >145, went to West Point, had a legit photographic memory, always at the top of his class while still being the class clown [no joke, my father was really effing smart]), I just know that I have those same genes... I know how intelligent I am, I know how apt I am to learning ANYTHING, I know how educated I am, and I know my academic/professional potential... I have all of the tools one needs to be considered successful in this society... Now with that set aside, the things I have been doing during my off-time out of school, I feel like these things are greatly adding to my sense of self-worth, which is very important in today's society...

So, back to the race. I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses even better... but trust me, if you think you've got me beat in one aspect of life... I promise you, I've got you beat in 10 other aspects...

But, now that I feel like I'm winning this race called "life", I have to realize that life isn't a race... I'm not competing with anyone, besides myself. One of my all time favorite philosophical quotes about life comes from Baz Luhrmann, who said...

"Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself."


But for now, I'm ahead, and I'm WINNING!!!! and it all feels great... so let's go! Try and beat me because the race isn't over yet, I love the competition, and I love getting better at "life". Let's keep racing... I've just started.

See you at the finish line, or not. :P

Monday

It's coming. I'm not really sure if I'm ready for the potential news. I'm getting really, really, anxious.

On my list of other things I'm counting down until, I can't wait til lent is over. I think I may have actually forgot what rice tastes like.

Anyway, I am just ready for school to start up again. I really can't wait to feel useful and productive once again.

Here's what has been on my playlist a lot lately. Listening to this song keeps me motivated and helps keep my life in perspective when things just don't seem to be going my way.

Overwhelmed.

I'm overwhelmed with my thoughts. There are certain things I can't stop thinking about. There are so many things I can't stop worrying about. There are so many unknowns right now in my life. I'm not complaining about my school workload, I mean, I DO have a busy semester, but that's not what I'm really just overwhelmed with right now. I'm more overwhelmed about everything else.

Family because I only get to see them every so often. I saw my mom for the first time in about 2 months today. I was so happy to see her. Now that I'm back home, I already really miss my mom. All of my other family, I miss them all too, and I can't wait til we all have a big family gathering again.

Friends because I know that my time is limited here in Sacramento. I have NO friends in San Francisco anymore. I hate starting over. I remember going into 10th grade, having to make the transition to school in suburban Napa. Then having to transition into Sacramento. It almost feels now like I'm taking a step backwards, in-time or something, where I'm back to my hometown, but without my friends who are always there for me. Plus the fact that I'll be out of school for at least 8 months. What am I gonna do with my life? I don't wanna end up like my cousin Joseph, just sitting on my ass all day playing video games (I'd rather hang myself than live such a useless lifestyle). Anyway, the point being is that all my friends I've made in the past 2 years here in Sacramento won't be around anymore... That really makes me sad. Like really, really sad. I was talking to my older cousin today, and she told me that, "That's life, you constantly make new friends, leave the old ones behind, and some lucky ones stay with you through all throughout your life. Those are the ones you really should keep close to your heart." So, how do I know if I've already found some of these lifelong friends??? I do have some really close friends, but how do I really know if this will be where we part our ways? Things like this really make me nervous. I have a hard time letting things go, and this doesn't seem to be any different. No matter what however, (as part of my moving-away bucket list) I want to make sure that these people know how much I care about them, and how much they mean to me.

On a side note, there are a couple people who are really just getting on my nerves right now for the way they're treating me. I've never, ever done anything to get on their bad side. How could you seriously consider me as a friend and then be a bitch to me.....seriously no kidding, I don't get any respect back from you... I am a good friend and a good person, I know that for a fact... and I really don't deserve the treatment I get from you. I'll just consider our brief friendship a "quickie".

Bills because well, I'm about to be a jobless college graduate. Through my 4 1/2 years of undergrad, I've accrued quite the standard student credit card debt, among other forms of debt. I know that my degree is pretty much useless if I wanna work in my field, so I know that more school is in order, but all this debt is starting to make me worry. Hopefully, I find a part time job in the mean time, and pay off all of my debts because I hate having debt. It's seriously a constant stress that I ALWAYS force myself to ignore because I know that right now, I can't afford to pay any of it off since I'm still a student without income.  It sucks...

Grad school because I NEED to get in. There's no question about it.... If I don't get in, I'm screwed. If I don't get in, my major was a waste of time. I love psychology, but I should have picked something where a Bachelor's degree would make money. -___- Hindsight is always 20/20.

School is also somewhere on my list of things that overwhelm me, but honestly, I feel that all these other things worry me more because they are somewhat out of my control at the moment. School is totally up to me. Whether or not I get a 4.0 or a 2.0 semester is up to me. That's why I'm not too worried about school, because I know that I control MY destiny. School is that internal locus of control in my life, everything else just seems to be out of my control.

Soo, after all of these things that I'm worried about, I just want to make my last days here as fun as possible. I really hope that I'm able to just chill with all my friends, be happy, and make sure that my last memories being in Sacramento are good ones that I'll remember for a long time. I don't wanna remember Sacramento as being a negative experience. I mean Sacramento was my first dabble in being an independent person, living without my parents. Trust me, I was far from independent financially... I'm sure I was actually very fiscally irresponsible actually. Hahah, I guess that's part of the learning process that is college.

But really the past 2 years have been great to me. I grew as a person, experienced soooo may new things, met so many new people, kept up with a bunch of friends from high school, traveled a bunch, and created friendships that will *hopefully* stay with me for the rest of my life. It deeply saddens me that I know this chapter of life will be ending soon.

I'm sorry I rambled, but if you read all that, you'll probably get a glimpse of what's been going through my head lately... Yes, I know that these are such insignificant things that don't really matter in the long term. You're probably also getting a glimpse of how naive I am... I usually end up reading my blog, laughing at myself because of how naive I was when I wrote whatever it was that I wrote...

The good life.

I'm not exactly sure as to why, but I have been feeling really good about life lately.

Things are falling into place. I love life right now. I am surrounded by positive influences all around me. It feels great, and I just want things to just keep getting better and better.

I'm not done with this post, I'll elaborate more later. Now, it's time to gym. It's been a while.

4 weeks in...

I've been blogging less and less lately. Maybe since my life has gotten progressively less interesting.. haha. maybe.

Anyway, just to keep my blog updated with my life....

I got a new phone after my 2 years having an iPhone. I got the MyTouch 3G from T-Mobile. I like it so far, but there are a few things I miss from my iPhone. Oh well, it was definitely time for an update. Out with the old in with the new.

I've been concentrating more at school lately. Such as not daydreaming whenever I find the lecture boring or not going on Facebook during class. I think it's all the caffeine I take in during the week that helps me not fall asleep in lecture/lab... etc.

Me and my partner have finally came up with an appropriate research project. Our goal is to conduct a study which we find a correlation between the amount of work and job satisfaction one has to what their academic performance and perceived importance of education is to them. We hope get approved by the Human Subjects board so we can start our research soon... Which reminds me, I need to finish my ethics certificate ASAP!

I'm still going to the gym 5-6 times per week. It's been more than 3 months and I feel much better not just physically, but mentally/emotionally. My concentration & psychological state of mind has gone up as a result. I feel better, and that's all that matters to me. I'm going to continue this for as long as I find it beneficial to myself.

The last thing on my mind is a certain person. I even remember blogging about her last year. I don't think anyone would be able to guess who this person is because it's been one secret I haven't told ANYONE. Yes, I tell people some secrets about my personal life, but this secret has been my true secret. I actually think about this person a few times a week just because I miss her. I've known her for the past few years and she's always been a sweetheart to me. I don't think she'll ever get the chance to know how I feel.

Nikki - The-Dream

idk why.

Uhm. I miss you, and idk why...

More to come about my night in San Diego. For now, two words: ridiculously crazy...

I hope I'm not too hungover in the morning.

One year later.

So, what's different a year later?

-I'm 21 now.. Lol, so that means I'm legal to drink and gamble (not that it's that important). :)

-I'm living on my own... With the help of my parents, of course.

-Different city, different school, different car.

-More experienced; I'd say the last year of my life has been the most eye-opening and enjoyable year I've lived.

-Finally started going to the gym.

-I marched drum corps this past summer. Oh yeah, and Sac State drumline.

-I'm more appreciative of family, and I'm more in touch with my Dad than I've ever been.

-I'm smarter, in an academic sense. Probably wiser too.

-I changed majors.

Now, what has stayed the same?

-I'd say I'm still Raymond. I'm still the same guy you've known (or once known).

-I love music & drumming (same as before).

-I still procrastinate EVERYTHING.

-I still fall for girls way too easily.

-Still have braces... lol

-I still crack jokes that aren't funny. haha.

Good or bad, what's different and stayed the same is who I am now. I'm still developing as an adult. It's exciting.

Here's a song that I've been listening to lately.

Iris - Goo Goo Dolls

51 weeks, 6 days.

I'm approaching my 1-year anniversary of starting this blog, and I just needed to stress one thing.... This blog has been a great place for me to share my feelings and it has become my favorite free-writing outlet where I can just express myself, and write anything I want that is on my mind. It has been a great way to remember the (good & bad) things that have happened to me in the past year. I'm glad I've kept this sort of online diary.

Man, it's freezing outside. It's actually 32F outside right now so, technically it's freezing. lol.

So, this past weekend was great. My niece's Quinceanera was a lot of fun. They held it at the Gaia hotel in American Canyon which was a very nice hotel. I danced my ass off and looked pretty sharp in my teal-themed tux. I got to see all my family for which I always am thankful for.

Sacramento State Winter Ensemble is starting up again, and the drumline is looking almost (if not just) as big as the fall drumline. I hope we start to clean up soon, because I don't wanna be in a dirty snare-line (or drumline for that matter).

School is almost done with. I am so over this semester already. I'm so ready to start my 2 week vacation in SoCal in 11 days. I just have about 8 things to finish up on and then I'll be able to call it quits for school in 2009.

Speaking of the end of school, I'll be leaving for SoCal on Dec. 18th. It will be similar to last year where I enjoyed a Christmas dinner with my Ringl side of the family, and then spend the rest of the 2 weeks being with my cousins. Rashad and Dahlia will be turning 21 on Dec. 22nd, so I'm pretty excited about what may happen since WE ALL WILL BE FINALLY LEGAL!

Exciting times are ahead. I hope it only gets even better from here.

16

I tend to fall for girls who I feel comfortable around. That being said, I really wish I didn't say what I said, did what I did, or mess up what I messed up. There are things that I regret doing in the past week or so, but they are history. I can't change history; all I can do is learn from my mistakes and do my best to not make these same mistakes.

I still feel at times that I never learn.

To: you

It's funny how you say you always gotta trust what "he" tells you. It's also funny how you repeatedly say that you hate liars. It's funny how I didn't realize how long this has been going on because I've been so busy. The only reason things are the way they are is because you got bored. It wasn't exciting to you anymore. Without that same rush as we had in the beginning you still lied to me telling me that you have so many feelings for me and I ate it all up... That's the kind of person you are. You'll do the same thing to the next guy, I mean that's what you did to the guy before me, right? You really are messed up. You lied to me. You lied to me after repeatedly saying that you hate liars in relationships. You're a hypocrite (and it's funny because you've said you hate both hypocrites and double standards). I know that you've been cheating/going behind my back for not just the past 2 days but more like at least the past 2 1/2 weeks or so since before I went to LV. It's so funny how you think it's okay to play with a person's emotions. Not even a day later and you're already back with him? That's really sad. Really, you had no idea how bad it felt to find something like that out. Literally my chest started to hurt. I still have feelings for you but now that I found out that you were going behind my back and the only reason you wanted to break up is so you can get with your next guy, all I can say is that that is a low blow. I can't believe I waited around to give you your gift from LV, you never even called me to tell me you weren't gonna be able to come pick it up, so I waited, waited, and waited. For 4 hours I waited. Not even a text or phone call saying, "just go home, I can't get it." That's not right. You knew that I'd do whatever you wanted/needed me to, and you took full advantage of that. That's low. Finally when I have to go to great leaps and bounds to get you to answer your phone, you say, "I wasn't ignoring you, I didn't mean to hurt you, blah blah." That was complete BS. You're only saying those things because I caught you.

Last night I found out everything about you that I never hoped you'd ever be. You're a liar, cheater, backstabber, hypocrite, and one more thing, you're not at ALL the person I thought you were. You were all the opposites of those things to me before last night. Thanks for the past 4 and 1/2 months. I hope you're happy now although I know things don't last with you, you'll just keep doing the same thing you've been doing.

I really hope I never get into a relationship with someone like you again. Well, at least someone like the person I found out you really were last night. You were a sweetheart up until about 2 1/2 weeks ago. Then things seemed to change. I noticed you starting to act differently. I never mentioned anything because it was just small hints at the time. I truly thought you would never hurt me because I promised to never hurt you when you told me how you felt about me that one night. Remember me telling you that I'd never hurt you? Then I thought you would do the same for me when I told you how I felt. I was wrong.

I honestly fell for the person I thought I knew. Now all I have is a broken heart.

Disgusted

I really thought I could trust you. I really put my heart out on my sleeve for you. I did everything I could to make you happy. I really did. You know all of what I've done for you. I've never been so disappointed in someone. Not only did you let me down as a BF but you let me down as a FRIEND. I've never felt so betrayed. And then you try to explain yourself and straight up LIE to me when we both know that you did wrong.

You loved the attention I gave you and then when you got bored of me, you just straight up ignored me and lied. That's the difference between us. I would have never done that to you. After all I did, I guess it wasn't enough for you.

Untitled

Vegas is coming... and I'm leaving everything behind.

almost there...

it's hard to imagine that the year is about to end. There are people I met this year, even just this semester, that I will not ever see in person again. well mostly likely, that is. 

Take my lab partner for example. He was a good guy, very nice to me. He takes his final early this semester for micro. Then takes off on a plane to Colorado that same night! I doubt I'll ever see this guy again, but it's just pretty crazy how people & things just come and go in life. While in the midst of a tough semester of classes, it just hit me like a rock that the semester is just about to finish. I mean, I knew the semester was gonna end and I'd eventually start vacation, but the most surprising thing that I failed to realize is that the people I have become so accustomed to seeing on a somewhat daily basis were not always gonna be around after the semester ends. In a way, I'm naive. It's not like, "hey guys, we're friends forever! yay!" type of a deal. It's more like, you know people and then 4 months later, they're gone for the rest of your life.

 It's kind of sad if you ask me. Well, anywho... If you ever end up reading this, and you know who you are. I wish the best of luck to you in your upcoming studies & future endeavors in life. For some reason you stand out in my mind for the most unknown reason.