SLO. Pre-Finals Week.

Just went for a quick run. I'm starting to just enjoy the simple act of going out for a run. It's seriously one of the most mind-clearing things you can do, and it just makes you feel more uplifted.

Tonight, (rather, at the ass-crack of dawn tomorrow) Me, Justin, and Sam are driving down to SLO to watch my homie Ricky graduate college. It's amazing, especially since I know that this time next week, I'll be a college graduate. I can't believe that I'm about to accomplish something that I've always wanted to accomplish. I feel so blessed. I'm dedicating my accomplishment to my Lola Pepay, who always stressed the importance of education in my life. I miss her.

Finals week is here. How do you want to remember this moment 1 week from now?

Overwhelmed.

I'm overwhelmed with my thoughts. There are certain things I can't stop thinking about. There are so many things I can't stop worrying about. There are so many unknowns right now in my life. I'm not complaining about my school workload, I mean, I DO have a busy semester, but that's not what I'm really just overwhelmed with right now. I'm more overwhelmed about everything else.

Family because I only get to see them every so often. I saw my mom for the first time in about 2 months today. I was so happy to see her. Now that I'm back home, I already really miss my mom. All of my other family, I miss them all too, and I can't wait til we all have a big family gathering again.

Friends because I know that my time is limited here in Sacramento. I have NO friends in San Francisco anymore. I hate starting over. I remember going into 10th grade, having to make the transition to school in suburban Napa. Then having to transition into Sacramento. It almost feels now like I'm taking a step backwards, in-time or something, where I'm back to my hometown, but without my friends who are always there for me. Plus the fact that I'll be out of school for at least 8 months. What am I gonna do with my life? I don't wanna end up like my cousin Joseph, just sitting on my ass all day playing video games (I'd rather hang myself than live such a useless lifestyle). Anyway, the point being is that all my friends I've made in the past 2 years here in Sacramento won't be around anymore... That really makes me sad. Like really, really sad. I was talking to my older cousin today, and she told me that, "That's life, you constantly make new friends, leave the old ones behind, and some lucky ones stay with you through all throughout your life. Those are the ones you really should keep close to your heart." So, how do I know if I've already found some of these lifelong friends??? I do have some really close friends, but how do I really know if this will be where we part our ways? Things like this really make me nervous. I have a hard time letting things go, and this doesn't seem to be any different. No matter what however, (as part of my moving-away bucket list) I want to make sure that these people know how much I care about them, and how much they mean to me.

On a side note, there are a couple people who are really just getting on my nerves right now for the way they're treating me. I've never, ever done anything to get on their bad side. How could you seriously consider me as a friend and then be a bitch to me.....seriously no kidding, I don't get any respect back from you... I am a good friend and a good person, I know that for a fact... and I really don't deserve the treatment I get from you. I'll just consider our brief friendship a "quickie".

Bills because well, I'm about to be a jobless college graduate. Through my 4 1/2 years of undergrad, I've accrued quite the standard student credit card debt, among other forms of debt. I know that my degree is pretty much useless if I wanna work in my field, so I know that more school is in order, but all this debt is starting to make me worry. Hopefully, I find a part time job in the mean time, and pay off all of my debts because I hate having debt. It's seriously a constant stress that I ALWAYS force myself to ignore because I know that right now, I can't afford to pay any of it off since I'm still a student without income.  It sucks...

Grad school because I NEED to get in. There's no question about it.... If I don't get in, I'm screwed. If I don't get in, my major was a waste of time. I love psychology, but I should have picked something where a Bachelor's degree would make money. -___- Hindsight is always 20/20.

School is also somewhere on my list of things that overwhelm me, but honestly, I feel that all these other things worry me more because they are somewhat out of my control at the moment. School is totally up to me. Whether or not I get a 4.0 or a 2.0 semester is up to me. That's why I'm not too worried about school, because I know that I control MY destiny. School is that internal locus of control in my life, everything else just seems to be out of my control.

Soo, after all of these things that I'm worried about, I just want to make my last days here as fun as possible. I really hope that I'm able to just chill with all my friends, be happy, and make sure that my last memories being in Sacramento are good ones that I'll remember for a long time. I don't wanna remember Sacramento as being a negative experience. I mean Sacramento was my first dabble in being an independent person, living without my parents. Trust me, I was far from independent financially... I'm sure I was actually very fiscally irresponsible actually. Hahah, I guess that's part of the learning process that is college.

But really the past 2 years have been great to me. I grew as a person, experienced soooo may new things, met so many new people, kept up with a bunch of friends from high school, traveled a bunch, and created friendships that will *hopefully* stay with me for the rest of my life. It deeply saddens me that I know this chapter of life will be ending soon.

I'm sorry I rambled, but if you read all that, you'll probably get a glimpse of what's been going through my head lately... Yes, I know that these are such insignificant things that don't really matter in the long term. You're probably also getting a glimpse of how naive I am... I usually end up reading my blog, laughing at myself because of how naive I was when I wrote whatever it was that I wrote...

Monday nights

This beer pong game was not the highlight of my night. No sir... The highlight of my night was just chillin with my two buddies Justin and Imin. Imin, I'm gonna miss you bro; tonight put that into perspective. I had fun just chillin,doing random things, and just getting hella weak while driving around all night. Peace, my nigylaugho... Drumline isn't gonna be the same without you.

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lost and found

So I'm now in Riverside. REPRESENTIN' SOCAL. haha. anyway, tonight was really odd. I get to Ontario on time but my luggage never came through. I go to the Southwest front desk and ask where my luggage is, they say, "We don't know, hold on." Then they tell me, "Okay, your luggage is on the next flight from Sac, but it's been delayed an hour." They gave me a 50$ credit towards future travel on SWA as a compensation which will come in handy this Winter. So me and Rashad go to Victoria Gardens to kill time and have some coffee. We caught up on each other's lives. It was good to catch up. We are basically brothers from sisterly mothers. haha. When I got back to the airport to retrieve my luggage, I see someone from CSUS Marching Band. It was so random to see her at 11:30pm, at Ontario airport, while getting my luggage that was randomly lost and found.

Overall, it was a fun night.

P.S. Thanks Jill. I promise not to mess up. I really don't want to mess this up.

process of reflection.

I'm gonna take a quick break to write this.

This past week has been really odd to me. I've acted out of character quite a few times. I can't put my finger on why. I don't really know what's going on in my head. I miss having a [girl] friend that I can trust, and can just be myself around. It seems that at one point or another, people around me betray my trust. This isn't something that has been recent but more in the past few years. In that time I feel like people have just used me, lied to me, been fake to me, and have just treated me badly. I don't think I've deserved this. I think that to some of these people, I've been more than a good friend to them. I've tried to be a nice guy, I've more than tried to make these people happy, I've tried to do the right thing, and I haven't been a jerk. People say that you should treat people how you want to be treated. So if I'm the nice guy, why have I always felt like crap for the way people treated me? I know this doesn't apply to everyone I know, but there are just a few people I'm referring to.

Going back to this past week. I still don't know why this past week or so has been so weird. I can only say that I haven't really been happy/[satisfied] this past week. Maybe I just need someone to make me happy again. Not necessarily a girlfriend, but someone... It's sort of getting to me.

Disgusted

I really thought I could trust you. I really put my heart out on my sleeve for you. I did everything I could to make you happy. I really did. You know all of what I've done for you. I've never been so disappointed in someone. Not only did you let me down as a BF but you let me down as a FRIEND. I've never felt so betrayed. And then you try to explain yourself and straight up LIE to me when we both know that you did wrong.

You loved the attention I gave you and then when you got bored of me, you just straight up ignored me and lied. That's the difference between us. I would have never done that to you. After all I did, I guess it wasn't enough for you.

"There's only one Summer 09"

I just wanted to recap how fun Vegas was. I honestly had the time of my life... I've never had so much fun before. I finally rode the NY NY rollercoaster and also rode insanity at Stratosphere. I went clubbing at XS and LAX and although they were completely different experiences, I was getting my freak on both times... haha. I played blackjack, won & lost, ate expensively, went to the pool, walked around wasted on the strip, and sang "All-Star" with 4 of my buddies on the LV Monorail. I've never had such a good time before. So many good memories. There are pics on my facebook page if you want to check them out if you haven't already.

almost there...

it's hard to imagine that the year is about to end. There are people I met this year, even just this semester, that I will not ever see in person again. well mostly likely, that is. 

Take my lab partner for example. He was a good guy, very nice to me. He takes his final early this semester for micro. Then takes off on a plane to Colorado that same night! I doubt I'll ever see this guy again, but it's just pretty crazy how people & things just come and go in life. While in the midst of a tough semester of classes, it just hit me like a rock that the semester is just about to finish. I mean, I knew the semester was gonna end and I'd eventually start vacation, but the most surprising thing that I failed to realize is that the people I have become so accustomed to seeing on a somewhat daily basis were not always gonna be around after the semester ends. In a way, I'm naive. It's not like, "hey guys, we're friends forever! yay!" type of a deal. It's more like, you know people and then 4 months later, they're gone for the rest of your life.

 It's kind of sad if you ask me. Well, anywho... If you ever end up reading this, and you know who you are. I wish the best of luck to you in your upcoming studies & future endeavors in life. For some reason you stand out in my mind for the most unknown reason.