Overwhelmed.

I'm overwhelmed with my thoughts. There are certain things I can't stop thinking about. There are so many things I can't stop worrying about. There are so many unknowns right now in my life. I'm not complaining about my school workload, I mean, I DO have a busy semester, but that's not what I'm really just overwhelmed with right now. I'm more overwhelmed about everything else.

Family because I only get to see them every so often. I saw my mom for the first time in about 2 months today. I was so happy to see her. Now that I'm back home, I already really miss my mom. All of my other family, I miss them all too, and I can't wait til we all have a big family gathering again.

Friends because I know that my time is limited here in Sacramento. I have NO friends in San Francisco anymore. I hate starting over. I remember going into 10th grade, having to make the transition to school in suburban Napa. Then having to transition into Sacramento. It almost feels now like I'm taking a step backwards, in-time or something, where I'm back to my hometown, but without my friends who are always there for me. Plus the fact that I'll be out of school for at least 8 months. What am I gonna do with my life? I don't wanna end up like my cousin Joseph, just sitting on my ass all day playing video games (I'd rather hang myself than live such a useless lifestyle). Anyway, the point being is that all my friends I've made in the past 2 years here in Sacramento won't be around anymore... That really makes me sad. Like really, really sad. I was talking to my older cousin today, and she told me that, "That's life, you constantly make new friends, leave the old ones behind, and some lucky ones stay with you through all throughout your life. Those are the ones you really should keep close to your heart." So, how do I know if I've already found some of these lifelong friends??? I do have some really close friends, but how do I really know if this will be where we part our ways? Things like this really make me nervous. I have a hard time letting things go, and this doesn't seem to be any different. No matter what however, (as part of my moving-away bucket list) I want to make sure that these people know how much I care about them, and how much they mean to me.

On a side note, there are a couple people who are really just getting on my nerves right now for the way they're treating me. I've never, ever done anything to get on their bad side. How could you seriously consider me as a friend and then be a bitch to me.....seriously no kidding, I don't get any respect back from you... I am a good friend and a good person, I know that for a fact... and I really don't deserve the treatment I get from you. I'll just consider our brief friendship a "quickie".

Bills because well, I'm about to be a jobless college graduate. Through my 4 1/2 years of undergrad, I've accrued quite the standard student credit card debt, among other forms of debt. I know that my degree is pretty much useless if I wanna work in my field, so I know that more school is in order, but all this debt is starting to make me worry. Hopefully, I find a part time job in the mean time, and pay off all of my debts because I hate having debt. It's seriously a constant stress that I ALWAYS force myself to ignore because I know that right now, I can't afford to pay any of it off since I'm still a student without income.  It sucks...

Grad school because I NEED to get in. There's no question about it.... If I don't get in, I'm screwed. If I don't get in, my major was a waste of time. I love psychology, but I should have picked something where a Bachelor's degree would make money. -___- Hindsight is always 20/20.

School is also somewhere on my list of things that overwhelm me, but honestly, I feel that all these other things worry me more because they are somewhat out of my control at the moment. School is totally up to me. Whether or not I get a 4.0 or a 2.0 semester is up to me. That's why I'm not too worried about school, because I know that I control MY destiny. School is that internal locus of control in my life, everything else just seems to be out of my control.

Soo, after all of these things that I'm worried about, I just want to make my last days here as fun as possible. I really hope that I'm able to just chill with all my friends, be happy, and make sure that my last memories being in Sacramento are good ones that I'll remember for a long time. I don't wanna remember Sacramento as being a negative experience. I mean Sacramento was my first dabble in being an independent person, living without my parents. Trust me, I was far from independent financially... I'm sure I was actually very fiscally irresponsible actually. Hahah, I guess that's part of the learning process that is college.

But really the past 2 years have been great to me. I grew as a person, experienced soooo may new things, met so many new people, kept up with a bunch of friends from high school, traveled a bunch, and created friendships that will *hopefully* stay with me for the rest of my life. It deeply saddens me that I know this chapter of life will be ending soon.

I'm sorry I rambled, but if you read all that, you'll probably get a glimpse of what's been going through my head lately... Yes, I know that these are such insignificant things that don't really matter in the long term. You're probably also getting a glimpse of how naive I am... I usually end up reading my blog, laughing at myself because of how naive I was when I wrote whatever it was that I wrote...