February Air

This has been the most difficult month to process so far. My heart misses you. I feel abandoned by you. I feel like I gave you what I could, and you still left. You never believed me when I said I gave you everything I could. It's like I tried my hardest and no matter what I did, it wasn't enough. I thought that marriage was a certain type of bond; for better or for worse. Things got hard, and it fell apart. It wasn't totally dead, but we killed it with our words. Now, to hear about one of us moving on... Feels like not only I've lost you for good, but that what I've done to fill my hole hasn't filled anything, but just created a deeper cut into my heart and it feels meaningless without you. I have a hard time moving on with my life... trying to fill the void left with meaningful relationships.

So free my mind, all the talking Wasting all your time

I'm sorry for wasting your time
I'm sorry for not trying harder
I'm sorry to all the people I have let down
I'm sorry for the broken promises

But, I think it's time I moved on

It's about time I start thinking about my happiness
It's about time I start thinking about my future
It's about time I start thinking about my financial stability
It's about time I start thinking about my dreams
It's about time I start thinking about my career
It's about time I start thinking about my family
It's about time I start thinking about myself

If I don't think about these things, who would have? Not you.

If you want me, if you need me, I'm yours

Feels like I'm waiting
Like I'm watching
Watching you for love
Dreams, where I am fading
Fading

So free my mind, all the talking
Wasting all your time
I'm giving all
That I've got

Feels like I'm dreaming
Like I'm walking
Walking by your side
Keeps on repeating
Repeating

So free my mind, all the talking
Wasting all your time
I'm giving all
That I've got

If you want me
If you need me
I'm yours
If you want me
If you need me
I'm yours
If you want me
If you need me
I'm yours
If you want me
If you need me
I'm yours

If you want me
If you need me
I'm yours
If you want me
If you need me
I'm yours

-Innerbloom

Doing this to me

This is a time where I need to decide on where I want my life to go at this point. I can decide whether to follow my heart, follow my dreams, or follow what's right... I don't know. What I do know is that there is unfinished business and things that I let go a long time ago that I need to revisit. Who knows, but the most important thing is that I follow where my life takes me, and never chase something that doesn't make sense to chase. As long as you have your youth, health, and dreams, I think whatever that road takes you to, it's worth your time and worth your love.

I really wish that I could still go back and just do things differently. But I think that's the main lesson in life is that you can't take things back, but you can always change the future with what you do today. It is a struggle, but life is always going to be a struggle... a beautiful one.

Lately I've been thinking more and more about my future. What will come in the next year. At this point, I'm not entirely certain. It is something that I will definitely need to figure out though.

What I do know is that no matter what choices I make, those decisions will be made based off of my own personal core values. Sometimes you have to make the tough decisions in life, but as long as your decisions were following your personal values, then it doesn't matter which path you choose to take. You were faced with a situation and you made the best decision you could with the information that was available to you at that point in time.

More to come,
Raymond

Thoughts on starting a new blog + the last 6 months of life (or so)

Hi there blog,
It's been a few months since I've last posted on here but I just wanted to write something here in hopes that it'll inspire me to do something that I've been thinking about doing for a while now.

but first, before I go into this, I just wanted to bring you up to date on the last few months.

In March, Gabby and I had our Shanghai wedding. It was really fun, and we even had our friends from Rose lane come to Shanghai to experience it with us.
When we came back from Shanghai, Gabby's Mom and her best friend Yiping came back with us to visit the USA for 2 weeks. Thinking back, not much else happened between April - May. At least, not much that stands out. May came, and I guess June hit before we knew it. Gabby finished her Spring semester, and I continued working at UC Berkeley in my HR position. In June, Gabby and I on a last minute trip went to Las Vegas to EDC. It was pretty fun, although I wish we had a group who all went together. I think it would have made the trip a little bit more crazy/interesting. July came around, birthdays, Vegas trips, and Gabby left to go to Shanghai in mid/late July. This left me alone for about two weeks - the longest I had been without her. For those two weeks, I felt like something was missing, and for the first time in about 2 years, I felt like I had to fill my time when I hadn't had to think about the question: "what do I do with my free time?"

We planned our Honeymoon for August, so after those two weeks passed, I was pretty excited about going to Shanghai to meet Gabby for a few days. August 3 - 6: Shanghai, China
August 6 - 8: Athens, Greece
August 8 - 11: Santorini, Oia, Greece

August 11 - 15: Prague, Czech Republic
August 15: Arrived back home :(
I wish I already had the pictures uploaded to my computer - I might save the pics for a hopefully soon future blog post. We were able to meet up with friends/family in Shanghai, see lots of historical sites in Athens (it was unbearably hot though), relax and sightsee in Oia, and take in a bit of history and city life in Prague. Overall, the honeymoon was too short... Also, we were able to take business class for a mini-round the world itinerary:

SFO-TPE-PVG = EVA Business 777 and 747
PVG-HEL-ATH = Finnair Business A350 and A320
PRG-FRA-ORD-SFO = Lufthansa Business A320, LH First 747-8i and United First 757-300

More stories about the honeymoon coming soon.

Anyways, getting back to my main point:

I've been thinking about starting a YouTube channel and travel blog. I think that the last few years and especially last 9-12 months of churning has given me a lot of perspective about what I personally have a lot of passion for - and to be honest, I'm more passionate about travel than I am HR, or at least, I think that this is my new calling. While I still like HR and I think that it'll stay as my main career path, I think that travel has become my #1 hobby and I think that writing about travel (past experience and future plans) would give me the proper creative outlet that I think that I've been missing lately...

We shall see... I'm going to say right now, that in by next week, I want to have a new YouTube account created and a new blog site created. I just read about WordPress and I've heard that it's a very popular option - we shall see. I still have a special place in my heart for you, blog.

Til next time. Good night.

Dear Blog...

Well, it's been a while since I've posted anything here. I only had one post in 2016. Well, here's my first post for 2017.

I wish that I posted more often, but life keeps moving, ya know?

Two weeks from this Friday, I'll be headed back to Shanghai with my wife and we'll be hosting our "Shanghai Wedding" on March 24, 2017. I have my Rose lane friends (John, Dat, Cindy, Javier) and my Altawaty cousins coming (Dahlia, Yasmeen, Omar) coming to see me get married. It's gonna be a fun trip and I'm sure I'll have many pictures to post when I get back. I need to get back to writing about life here. It felt good. I felt based when I came here a lot... It was and still a place that has meaning mostly and only to me.

Married life is great. I couldn't be happier with my wife. She really gets me and knows me better than anyone else in this world and supports me more than anyone else in this world. I write this as she's laying down on our bed at home in ElSob... Hopefully we'll be adding a new addition to our family in the next 18-24 months... I'm pretty sure I've already mentioned this but I always wanted to start a family earlier than later and I think I'm mentally ready to become a father. Maybe not financially ready, but I think that as far as parenthood goes, I want to create a bigger family with my wife.

Anyways, It's late and I have work tomorrow. More to come...

I love you Gabrielle

I just wanted to write that this is how I feel about you. I love you so much. I love you more than anything else in this world. I want to start a family with you. I want to go through this crazy journey of life with you by my side. You are my soul mate.

Dreams

I still have big dreams. Huge dreams. I still have these dreams. And I want to be with someone I can share my dreams with. That's my life goal. 

I don't care if the dreams get slightly changed... It's that I find someone I can have a normal relationship with and accomplish our dreams together. 

Please life, for me, let's do this right...

You

Cause I need to know...

Promise me you'll remember me tomorrow. Because I'll remember you.

Clear

For the first time in a long time... I'm clear.


I feel good. I feel great. Clear mind. Wow. This is what I needed.

The Application

Today was a very decently productive day. I've decided to live a new life. Make something for myself, and do the right things that will lead to a happier and more fulfilled life.

I talked to you again today. I know it was something I didn't want to tell you but I'm glad that I talked to you again. I don't think that getting over you is going to be easy or something that I'm going to want to do. You made me feel disappointed in myself for what happened. I'm sorry for everything.

And you, I'm going to be honest here. I'm just kinda mad at myself... I mean I know I have no right to be mad either... but I am. I made some bad decisions. Sigh, why can't things just be a little better? Things are never going to be the way you want them to be though... I need to continue to learn about myself and keep making the improvements that I need to, to make myself a better person.

And Raymond. Congrats on today. You did a good thing today. You made a lot of progress. You are going to be a champion. You are going to make a difference in other people's lives. 

Live life.

I'm Sorry

Someimes I wonder if I made the right decision. I know I did... I guess, but I just feel like we were two good people in two bad spots in our lives. It sucks, I know, and sometimes i want to talk to you...  I still miss you. I really do. I think about you and realize that you were a great person who i learned a lot from, but I can't forget the things you lied to me about - nor could I really accept those things and continue a life together with those things being a part of our relationship.

I could talk on and on for hours about this subject. And I could literally say I love you still. But I need to move on. For me. 

I believe there are a lot of great things still in store for me.

Goodnight.

First Post of 2015

I found out a new phrase today that I totally could identify with:

"Idle hands are the devil's advocate"

I really need to find purpose in life... no matter what that purpose may be. I just want to feel like the work I do will make an impact. Right now, the job search is cruel. We shall see in the coming weeks whether or not I can find a job. I feel like I need some sort of miracle to get the ball rolling to somewhere. I want this to happen so bad. Let's go Raymond.

Oh btw, Asia was fun. I don't regret anything.