New quarantine hobby

I've been working out more often in the last week. I've also developed a newfound happiness with being outdoors. I did Mission Peak with Lindsay today. Was a good time, she was a bit shocked by how tough it is, but she persevered and we made it to the top in about two hours. Got a Safeway sandwich after (and also a couple $500 MCGCs due to the promo) and drove home. It was a good 4 hour adventure! Gotta keep finding more activities like this to keep me going through COVID.

Going to start my SQL class tomorrow. It's going to weird getting back into learning mode. I guess I'm going to have to manage my time a bit more and spend less time churning.

Meridian

Meridian
noun
1.
a circle of constant longitude passing through a given place on the earth's surface and the terrestrial poles.
2.
(in acupuncture and Chinese medicine) each of a set of pathways in the body along which vital energy is said to flow. There are twelve such pathways associated with specific organs.
adjective
relating to or situated at a meridian.
"the meridian moon"


Sometimes you realize that what you were doing was just not the right thing
**side note — I'm listening to this song as I write this post. I suggest reading while the song above plays — it'll help you get in my head a bit**

I realized that this wasn't what I wanted. I'm very sorry for the pain I caused. This wasn't an easy decision. It might seem like it was — but for a few months — I was thinking deeply about us, and what we were doing together. At the same time, I was thinking about my dreams and aspirations. I thought about my next steps in life. I realized that this wasn't what I wanted. There were so many things that were right about us, but there was also something very important that was missing. I still don't know what exactly was missing, but I was listening to my heart when I made that decision.

I wish I could take it back — or at least take your pain away. You will find someone who appreciates you to the fullest, and you deserve that.

Other things that have been on my mind:

I've started exercising (running) again. I've also been trying to focus on work, but I feel like there's just so many things to focus on, that I can't keep up. Something will need to be sacrificed in order to keep everything afloat.

Next Monday (6/29) I start an SQL class through UC Extension. My first official enrollment in formal learning class since I guess that Oxford TESOL I was taking back in March/April 2015 when I was still dreaming about living abroad and teaching English to support myself. That dream never died either...

And, I still can't wait to travel again. That's been the thing that's been missing lately. I've been trying to fill the void with other things, but travel has always been (and probably will always be) the thing that drives me to do what I do. My purpose in life. If I can't have that, then life feels just... empty.

I'm never going to give up on my dreams. Someday, I'll find the one who shares them with me. We'll probably save a ton of money so we can quit our jobs and travel for a year.

2016 through 2018

I don't know what to say, I just know that looking at the pictures of us, where we were, what we had, I miss very much. I just watched the NYE 2016 / NYD 2017 video at Liquid Laundry. The video was so weird to watch because watching the happiness on your face was just so surreal. We were happy at one point. I know that being with you was and is a terrible idea, but it doesn't stop me from missing those special moments, traveling across the globe, and going through things together.
I feel like the time, 2016 - 2018, these years were taken away from me, even though during these years, we did some amazing things, and had some crazy experiences. Now, I look back and I don't even recognize them, unless I look at the pictures, which open up the memories of a time that no longer exists.

The right message needs to come from the right person

The right message needs to come from the right person. Even though there is so much angst and frustration from someone, you need to hear the right message from the person who you are most "angry" at.

"Time will heal everything."

I believe that's true, so right now, I'm in the state of discomfort, things aren't in a good place, but I believe that going through this phase will allow me to realize what is important and when things do get better, I will understand what happiness feels like and what it really means deep down.

I hope we're out of this state of discomfort soon, though.

Hate

Useless, waste of space, waste of energy, waste of so much, but I still can't get over. Don't ever contact me. Don't ever talk to me again. Don't ever waste my time again. Just move on... I don't need any more distractions.

Uncle Mostafa

I don't know what to even say. I don't believe it, actually. Are you really gone? I feel like you're not. I feel like you're still there. I feel like you're still around. Why did this have to happen?

Intentional Finances

Finances and the future has been on the brain quite a lot recently. You could even say I've been obsessing over it. I don't think it's a bad obsession. Let's just say that I've made an intentional decision to be wiser with the money I make. I think it's good. I want to make more intentional decisions with my money. Time to start using the brain I was gifted in a more productive way, by practicing what I preach, and making life more pleasant, because there's no reason I should be unhappy -- I'm actually very happy in my life, and I think I just need to start saving for my future freedom to complete the package. I know this isn't ground-breaking, but it's worth writing to myself, so I can reflect on this feeling someday, just in case I need to remind myself about what's important to me.

Dazed & Confused

You came in swinging like Apollo
I'll be feelin' it tomorrow
No, I ain't seein' straight, hyperventilate
Knees begin to wobble
You cut my brakes and hit the throttle
I couldn't stop it if I wanted
Just your silhouette, makes me break a sweat
I'm in trouble
Oh, I've been dazed and confused
From the day I met you
Yeah, I lost my head
And I'd do it again
Either I've seen the light
Or I'm losing my mind
There's something 'bout you
That's got me dazed and confused
Dazed
Dazed and confused
Dazed
I bet you know just what you're doing
You're not the type that's used to losing
First, you build me up, then with just a touch
Leave me here in ruins
Something 'bout your eyes
I can't even walk in a straight line
Under the influence
Oh, I've been dazed and confused
From the day I met you
Yeah, I lost my head
And I'd do it again
Either I've seen the light
Or I'm losing my mind
There's something 'bout you
That's got me dazed and confused
Dazed
Dazed and confused
Dazed
I don't know if this is real life, real life
What happens if I open my eyes, my eyes?
Will I ever get my head right, head right?
I don't know if this is real life, real life
Oh, I've been dazed and confused
From the day I met you
Yeah, I lost my head
And I'd do it again
Either I've seen the light
Or I'm losing my mind
There's something 'bout you
That's got me
That's got me dazed and confused
From the day I met you
Yeah, I lost my head
And I'd do it again
Either I've seen the light
Or I'm losing my mind
There's something 'bout you
That's got me dazed and confused
https://youtu.be/Nel_hT0ZQHA

MakeDamnSure

It's 2019, but the emo high school songs still hit.

And we lay, we lay together just not
Too close, too close (How close is close enough?)
We lay, we lay together just not
Too close, too close
I just wanna break you down so badly
Well I trip over everything you say
I just wanna break you down so badly
In the worst way

Getting older

I think that in the last few days, I've started to realize that we're not invincible. Well, I've always known that, but I think that as we're all getting older, we all need to start planning for the future of all of us and I think family is more important than ever. I think I need to stop chasing the personal pursuits and start focusing on planning for the future.

Been a minute

Hey there blog,
Well, it's a Friday, and it's been a minute since I've had the chance to come back and have a chat with you, and say something that I don't know if I'll regret saying at some point in the future... I literally spent the entire Summer just playing. yes, well, playing. I sort of spent the summer living a life without regrets, without boundaries, without second thoughts... there were many times where I was just like "Is this really happening right now? Is this being too wild? Is this irresponsible? Am I playing with house money?"

And well.... The answer to that question is debatable, depending on who you ask. When I ask myself, I can't really say yes or no, but I can say that when my mind has second thoughts, and I still choose to ignore them, there's a bit of gray area there, which I just don't care to dwell on too much. I constantly have that anxiety where I'm thinking about what I'm doing with my life and if I'm headed in the right direction.... you know what always ALWAYS grounds me back down? Human connection... and I don't mean that in any single one sense or right way or wrong way... what I mean is just having a relation with another human being... that's what makes me say, 'oh yeah, there isn't a right or wrong answer with what I choose to do with my life, but instead, it's to make the people around me happier, make their lives better, share thoughts / ideas / feelings, and in general, share positive human feelings with others.

I guess that's something that I've really started to get in touch with in the last few months to a year.

And also, looking back at the last year, I've been separated from my ex wife for almost 1 full year. Actually, 52 weeks ago, we were in Las Vegas on our last trip together. Am I over her? Well, if you read my last post, you can easily guess that I have some huge negative feelings about what transpired, and how I still have this black hole that she caused in my life, and well, that's what led to the avalanche of wild behavior on my part in the last year... but... despite those negative feelings, I still have some positive ones, mainly the ones where I felt like I've found a "partner in crime" and someone who "gets me". That's the type of human relationship that I would like to find with someone in the near future. I mean, it does get lonely, and I do feel like I am longing for that right person, but I'm going to remain single until that "right" person comes around. I dated several people this summer, but not one of them "checked all the right boxes" for me to even be considered gf material... I guess I've become more picky? Or just have found a bunch of unworthy ladies. :)



Meanwhile, let me tell you about the last few months of travels. There was an LA trip in May, Mexico in June, and then the crazy SFO-YVR-JKF-SFO in a weekend trip in July, and then August consisted of another LA trip and then Japan with Ricky, Sang, M/F in law, and Baby-E. It was an incredible experience. And also the lost bag! And the Conrad! and that heat, and ramen, and hooters! I'm sure there was more... but it was great fun... the only thing I could ask more for would be a travel companion that I really want to be with (i.e., gf ;-))

6/13/2019 UA 1212 Y A320 SFO PVR 1554
6/16/2019 UA 1268 Y 737-900ER PVR SFO 1554
7/26/2019 UA 1451 Y A320 SFO YVR 800
7/27/2019 CX 888 F B77W YVR JFK 2449
7/28/2019 AA 177 F A321T JFK SFO 2586
8/17/2019 UA 256 Y B737-900 SFO LAX 337
8/18/2019 AA 1768 Y+ A321 LAX SFO 337
8/28/2019 JL 1 J B77W SFO HND 5160
9/3/2019 JL 2 J B77W HND SFO 5160


13 flights, (a few not shown) and 21,475 miles flown over the summer months. It was a fun summer. Looking forward to the next things...

Looking back [Hate Post]

Looking back.

I don't regret anything I did. I can't regret it. I did what I did with the info I had in front of me. I made the right decisions at the time. Were they the right decisions in the end? That's a different answer. And well, looking back? I'm glad we're done. I'm really glad. It was inevitable. We were never really meant to make it work. Mainly because you were so useless and didn't make any effort to show me that you were the one. You weren't that smart, motivated, competent, and just not on my level. You were very self-centered. You thought you were a princess. Well I'm sorry lady, but you're not a princess. You are far from it, you know why? Because a true princess, would never disrespect her spouses family, constantly at that... You were a leech. You manipulated people. You used me. I'm so glad that I'm out of this relationship because it allows me to really find someone who does have a synergy with me. Someone where I don't have to be 99% of the effort to make things work. And I mean that. I'm so glad you are gone. It's time I found someone who's on my level. I was able to break out of that vicious cycle and allow me to truly find someone who makes my life better, not worse. You're still young, and immature... If I were to guestimate, you're still around 6 years until you're ready for a real marriage. I was ready at 26... I buckled down when you were 22 and tried my hardest, but you weren't ready -- that was my real mistake. But honestly, I don't think you'll be ready for a real marriage until you're 32... That's just who you are. Whereas I proved to myself that I was ready back in 2016, I just picked the wrong person... I'm still ready today. But maybe it's best I enjoy being single again for a year or so and then see what happens.

2019 Travels

Following trips booked: April LAS, May ONT, June PVR, Aug/Sep HND, Nov HKG, Dec MNL...
Looking at adding an SD trip in there somewhere and maybe one more LV trip... Not sure yet.

So far this year, I've been to Las Vegas for New Years, Austin, New York and Australia... It's going to be a crazier rest of this year...

Also, keep on the lookout for FMP 2020 in Thailand.

February Air

This has been the most difficult month to process so far. My heart misses you. I feel abandoned by you. I feel like I gave you what I could, and you still left. You never believed me when I said I gave you everything I could. It's like I tried my hardest and no matter what I did, it wasn't enough. I thought that marriage was a certain type of bond; for better or for worse. Things got hard, and it fell apart. It wasn't totally dead, but we killed it with our words. Now, to hear about one of us moving on... Feels like not only I've lost you for good, but that what I've done to fill my hole hasn't filled anything, but just created a deeper cut into my heart and it feels meaningless without you. I have a hard time moving on with my life... trying to fill the void left with meaningful relationships.